Kreepie Motel
by Merickson
Summary: What will happen to Detective Arborday when he visits the motel run by Herman Kreepie and his mother? Who knows, but it will definitely all be in the dreaded screenplay format.


EXT. MANSION AND MOTEL - DAY

An old Victorian mansion and a motel complex stand next to  
each other in an otherwise empty Southwestern desert. A  
flickering neon sign reads "Kreepie Motel - Vacancy."

A car pulls up and parks in front of the motel. A man,  
DETECTIVE ARBORDAY, steps out of the car, looking around as  
he heads to the open door of the motel office.

INT. MOTEL OFFICE - DAY

Arborday walks in. A cartoony plastic owl in a swooping  
position is mounted high on the far wall.

Under it is a young man, HERMAN, asleep at a desk, wearing a  
lime-green ballcap, a T-shirt with neon zigzags on it,  
shorts, and sandals.

ARBORDAY  
Excuse me? Hello?

Herman doesn't respond. Arborday walks up and dings a bell  
on the desk. Herman jerks awake.

HERMAN  
Huh? Oh, uh...

Herman grabs a piece of paper and stands up.

HERMAN  
(reading)  
"Greetings, dudes and dudettes.  
I'm Herman Kreepie, and welcome to  
the totally radical Kreepie Motel  
and Waterpark. Come for the room  
and stay for the fun."

ARBORDAY  
Waterpark?

HERMAN  
I - Yes. Mother says we need to  
expand our business if we want to  
make the big bucks, so we converted  
the swamp out back into a world of  
first-rate family entertainment.

Herman raises a window shade to reveal a view of the large  
inground swimming pool with water slides behind the motel.  
It is completely unpopulated.

HERMAN  
The...the bucks haven't gotten much  
bigger.

ARBORDAY  
Listen, friend, my name is  
Detective Arborday, and I'm  
investigating -

HERMAN  
Wait, not done.  
(reading)  
"Parents can kick back with a  
bodacious refreshment at our very  
own bar while the kids are having a  
tubular time at the pool."

ARBORDAY  
I just want -

HERMAN  
(reading)  
"Sandwiches also available. Just  
remember what Owlie always says."

Herman claps his hands. The plastic owl flaps its wings.

OWL  
(scratchy recorded voice)  
I'm Owlie the Owl, and I get really  
bitter when there's litter-litter  
litter-litter -

Herman throws a paperweight at the owl to shut it up.

HERMAN  
Damn animatronics.

ARBORDAY  
Listen! I don't care about your  
little resort. Have you seen this  
woman?

Arborday takes a photo of a young woman out of his pocket and  
holds it up.

ARBORDAY  
Her name is Mary-Ann Jane. She  
stole the tip jar from the Waffle  
House she works at and has been  
missing for five days. She was  
last seen on the road that goes  
past this place.

HERMAN  
The confidentiality of any person  
who may or may not have been a  
guest at our establishment is  
strictly maintained.

ARBORDAY  
Uh-huh. I suppose I can't look at  
your registry book then.

HERMAN  
We don't have a book. If you'd  
like to register, just swipe your  
card and I'll put you in the  
database. No, you can't see the  
database.

ARBORDAY  
Um, okay. You mentioned your  
mother. Is she in that big old  
house? Can I talk to her?

HERMAN  
Oh you really shouldn't do that.

ARBORDAY  
Mmm-hmm.

Arborday looks around.

ARBORDAY  
You know, I think I will take a  
room.

HERMAN  
Great!

ARBORDAY  
I've been on the road all night. A  
nice shower would do me some good.

HERMAN  
If you want, you can spring for the  
hot tub. Only thirty dollars  
extra.

ARBORDAY  
That's okay.

HERMAN  
Tell two friends and get twenty  
percent off your next stay.

ARBORDAY  
Sure, whatever.

HERMAN  
And ten points on your rewards card  
when you sign up for -

ARBORDAY  
(annoyed)  
Maybe later!

EXT. MANSION AND MOTEL - DAY

Arborday comes out of the office.

HERMAN (O.S.)  
Enjoy your stay!

ARBORDAY  
Yeah, uh-huh.

He takes a few steps down the row of room doors. Then,  
checking to make sure he's not being followed, he turns in  
the direction of the mansion and makes his way to it, walking  
up to the front porch.

INT. MANSION - DAY

Arborday knocks on the front door, then slowly opens it a  
moment later, just enough to poke his head in.

ARBORDAY  
Hello?

He opens the door a little more and slips into the foyer.

ARBORDAY  
Mrs. Kreepie? Are you home? Your  
son said I could find you here.  
I'm a detective.

GRAVELLY FEMALE VOICE  
Hey. Hi there.

ARBORDAY  
H-hello?

GRAVELLY FEMALE VOICE  
Up here.

Arborday looks up a flight of stairs to see a light peeking  
through a cracked-open door on the upper landing.

ARBORDAY  
Are you Mrs. Kreepie?

GRAVELLY FEMALE VOICE  
Yeah, I sure am. Come on up. I  
baked some cookies.

Arborday shrugs and starts up the stairs.

ARBORDAY  
I just want to ask you some  
questions about a missing person  
and then I'll be out of your way.

GRAVELLY FEMALE VOICE  
Oh splendid. I have a question for  
you too.

ARBORDAY  
For me? What -

As Arborday reaches the upper landing, the cracked-open door  
flies open and MOTHER, played by Anne Ramsey, runs out at him  
with a clipboard.

MOTHER  
Will you take this quick survey  
regarding your satisfaction with  
our place of business?!

Arborday screams and stumbles backward, falling down the  
stairs and hitting the foyer below.

ARBORDAY  
(groaning)  
Ugh, my head...

MOTHER  
Oh crap.

Herman walks in.

HERMAN  
Mother! What did I tell you about  
leaving the door unlocked and  
jumping out at everyone who comes  
in with your surveys?!

Mother shuffles down the stairs.

MOTHER  
Taking 'em by surprise is the only  
way to get honest answers on the  
form!

HERMAN  
Well you've probably given this guy  
an honest concussion.

MOTHER  
Not my fault he's a clumsy poop!  
Is he gonna sue us?

HERMAN  
(to Arborday)  
Hey dude, are you okay?

Arborday groans again.

MOTHER  
Ask him if he can rate the quality  
of our water slides on a scale of  
one to ten.

HERMAN  
I don't think he can do anything  
right now.

Mother sighs.

MOTHER  
All right, bring him out back.

EXT. WATERPARK BEHIND MOTEL - DAY

Arborday lies unconscious on pavement. A stream of water  
hits him in the face, causing him to sit up, coughing.

ARBORDAY  
Wha...what happened?

He puts a hand to the side of his head and looks up to see a  
big plastic duck fountain. Next to it stand Herman and  
Mother. Herman records Arborday with a smartphone.

MOTHER  
Wake up! Today's your lucky day,  
boy!

ARBORDAY  
What's...what's going on?

HERMAN  
You get to have lunch with Owlie  
the Owl himself!

OWLIE, a man in an owl mascot costume, lurches up.

OWLIE  
(panting)  
Hi there...little boy... Are...are  
you ready...to have fun...with good  
ol' Owlie? God it's hot in here.

HERMAN  
You usually need ten notches on  
your punch card to meet Owlie, but  
you get to do it right now!

Herman holds the phone closer to Arborday.

HERMAN  
All you have to do is look into  
this lens and say, "Kreepie Motel  
and Waterpark is not responsible  
for any injury I may have sustained  
during my visit."

OWLIE  
Argh! I can't do this!

Owlie rips off his fake head, revealing JEFF FAHEY inside the  
costume, dripping with sweat.

JEFF FAHEY  
Seriously, it's a million degrees  
in this thing!

MOTHER  
You put that head back on, Jeff  
Fahey! You don't get paid to be  
Jeff Fahey! You get paid to be the  
friggin' owl!

MARY-ANN JANE walks up, wearing a robe.

MARY-ANN  
Herman, the hot tub in my room  
isn't working.

ARBORDAY  
You!

MARY-ANN  
Uh-oh.

Mary-Ann runs away.

ARBORDAY  
Get back here!

Arborday staggers to a stand and limps off after her.

MOTHER  
This town is full of weirdos!

Jeff Fahey lets the duck fountain spray him in the face.

MOTHER  
We need to move! Everyone around  
here has their screws loose!

Herman, with his back to Mother, puts a drop of liquid from a  
small bottle with a skull and crossbones on it into a cup of  
tea. He turns to Mother and offers the cup to her.

HERMAN  
It'll be okay, Mother. Here, have  
some tea.

MOTHER  
Ooh, tea time.

Mother takes a sip.

MOTHER  
Herman! There's barely any cyanide  
in this tea at all! I told you,  
four drops, not one!

Herman sighs and puts three more drops from the small bottle  
into the tea.

HERMAN  
You really need to cut down.

MOTHER  
Shut up!

END


End file.
